Tonight's gonna be the best night ever!

It's come to my attention that I am an idiot. I've known this for a long time but have managed to avoid admitting it to myself while still ensuring that others were well aware of it. In any case, it's time for me to stop being a damn fool (special thanks to "a-dawg" for that phrase...) and learn from all of the crap I've put myself through as a result of my idiocy. Did I even spell that correctly? It's not coming up in spell check, yes I do spell check nearly everything, but then again it could just be an ugly word.

Speaking of ugly words... nevermind. I won't go there.

So I finally got myself into a groove at work and was working alongside a person I really felt like I could count on a bit and then I go and change my shift at the same time he decides to move to Hawaii. Who the hell wakes up one day and says I want to move to Hawaii? SERIOUSLY? Why move some place where you are thousands of miles from the nearest escape route? I'd never be able to live any place where I was trapped like I'd feel there. But whatever, I guess it's his choice.

In other news, I don't give a shit if you think I'm depressed. (I'm not.) My sleeping too much has much less to do with my emotions than it has to with my bank account. I can't afford to be awake. I always spend money somehow when I'm awake.

I hate the feeling that I know I'm about to crash and burn. I know this school thing isn't going to end how I want it to end. I probably should have just gone to school to become a teacher like my parents and grandparents wanted me to do. I get to hear at every damn family function how I'm wasting my life away. THANKS Grandmom! You're a real charmer. I also appreciate how she sometimes manages to weasel a little comment in there about Mark. Like "How's he doing?" I don't know Grandmom. If we were still together or even speaking don't you think he'd have mentioned he was moving to California not Washington? And didn't invite me to his graduation when he repeatedly told me I was one of the few things that kept him from dropping out and he forced me to request the day off from work a year in advance. But do I worry about that anymore? No, but thanks for dredging up things that hurt when they happened. That's what family is for right? To make you feel like shit when you shouldn't otherwise.

My brain is running a mile a minute and I just read a humorous exchange between my sisters on Facebook... why don't any of them ever write anything to me? Are we really that disconnected? I feel like my entire family is privy to things and I'm never even considered as someone to mention things too.

Maybe my problem is that I try to buy them off. It's a hell of a lot easier to buy someone something than it is to tell them something. This could be the root of a lot of my problems.

I don't really cry too often without physical pain or an ass load of stress but thinking about how all four of my sisters are close and actually do things together and have their little jokes and how the whole damn family can plan a vacation and pack into the car to go on said vacation before even mentioning it to me really makes me tear up a little. I won't go so far as to let those tears roll down my face but a lump in my throat does appear.

Am I that horrible of a child? You can't mention that you are going on vacation to me? I thought I was your favorite child dad? WTF? Yes, I know this was a couple of years ago but I still dwell on it. And you wonder why I pick up and go random ass places by myself and give you and mom just enough notice to get me to the airport.

Am I that terrible of a sister? Haven't I always looked out for all of them? Taken them where they needed to be? Helped with or even done their homework for them? What the hell? I wish I were the pretty one or the athletic one or the hard-working one or the popular one, anything but the "smart" one because I think I've done my best at showing that label to be untrue. Besides the label sucks. Big time.

This is a horribly overly family oriented blog and I will probably take it down before too many read it.

I think I've nearly complained enough at this point. I should probably go to bed before I call someone I regret calling or write an email I'll regret sending.