can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy while running on empty you little old doll with a frown

Racing thoughts. It was something we talked about tonight and as is often the case, discussing it brought them on.

I wish I could understand how I transitioned from just not all that tired to panic mode. Thankfully I can see and hear this time. Sounds wacky but almost every time I have a panic attack the whole world seems to fade to gray and I just hear a loud beeping sound almost like feedback on a speaker.

Anyway, it's 3 am. It's raining heavily. That's actually a comfort but it isn't making things stop running through my head.  So to make this clear, since I started this post the following have been plaguing me:
* Someone will judge me for my poor grammar and for odd word choices.
* The "wrong person" will read this.
* Moving to this new apartment will be a mistake.
* He was already dating her and still trying to make plans with me as if he was single.
* People I consider friends actually don't like me.
* I will probably get fired or reprimanded because I am going to be so exhausted going into work today that I will be underproductive.
* I have to ask my boss if I can leave early on Friday so I can go to the closing on my house.
* I need to have my weight addressed medically because exercise and diet don't seem to be helping me make headway and I am getting scared.
* This sunburn is never going to stop peeling and I've probably put myself on the path to skin cancer.
* Maybe one of these days I will be fortunate enough to just not wake up.
* It is wrong to consider dying to be a way out of stress and anxiety.
* I feel like a fraud when it comes to my mental health because I don't struggle with the thought of suicide just with the thought of no longer being alive.
* I'm a failure in life. My graduate degree gets me nowhere and nobody thinks I am capable at all.
* I am not going to be hired for what I consider to be my ideal position, an interview I had several weeks ago and felt I aced, because all of the above flaws were somehow apparent.

So that's where my brain is at the moment. All over the place. My heart is still racing and I keep hoping it will either get to the emergency room point or just go away. This high stress without alarmist level of panic is eating me alive.